I'M I'M SORRY

Yet again another weird title. Yet again. This title is apologizing for me not writing in the blog for -- sorry, does anyone have a hankerchief in the audience -- a few weeks. But I shall never forget the blog. And the great power it has within!! I Isaac Goldman shall now write in this blog with my own words. Now on with the story. Okay. Action!

When I was in Virginia, a lot of stuff happened. Seeing wild turkeys. My Mom being a wild turkey. And she seeing a bald eagle. The trip was great, I say. After that, no resting. Uh oh. More vacation! I went to Mexico with my dad. It was great. We had a really bad I mean fun I mean sometimes bad time. I got chased by a dog two not one not zero not a gazillion negative but two times. We saw some nature but not that much. The food was terrible. First we stayed in this little so-so hotel. It had 80 degree below zero pool. That was when the sun was beating down with its cool dark I mean bright hot rays. I got lost there. And the police guy came and found me. Which was awesome. I was on the police radio. In Taxco. I like to call it Toxic. After that, we went to el Pie de la Cuesta near Acapulco out in the county. The hotel was pretty nice but our room it was a mousehole. I mean I even had cheese. So, but Pablo couldn't hear and it was really funny. That was the guy who helped us get our stuff and everything. There were two parakeets. One I called Chirp de Lurp de Burp. The second I named Big Daddy. I called it Big Daddy because it was ginormous. The third I simply called Sea Terror. The fourth I called Leader of the Fantastic Four Birdies. The hotel had a pool. I went horseback riding. Altogether I gave it a seven, which is pretty good. Virginia was a little better, not a lot.

This week I went to soccer camp. All together when my friend was there for three days, in those three days I scored 51 goals. Also in Mexico, on the beach, the sand was hot. There was a big place with a big parrot with a small cage. I called the parrot Polly and fed it sunflower seeds. Polly;s a big greedy parrot. He needs to go on a diet. And now back to Washington. Almost everyday except when it rains, which was only two days in all the weeks I've been there. The sad thing is it rained twice in the same week. The second time I took off my shirt like a maniac and ran around like a maniac and slid in puddles like a maniac and got dirty like a maniac. And my friend stared at me like a maniac. But finally it's sad but true we had to go into the school into the dungeon which was really the basement but I called it the dungeon and watched movies. Which was boring. The first movie we watched was Bruce Almighty. The second movie was Rush Hour Second. Then we finally went outside again and played. And the ice cream truck didn't came. The good news is I went out to dinner with my friend at The Diner. And I got a new fish. Which I called Daddy Long Tails. Allright now, get out of my website. Security!

BEES VERSUS ISAAC

(This was written on July 26.)

Wednesday 7:45 P.M.

It was a sunny and beautiful day. I the magnificent no too weak for words to describe me. No I the Glorious. No no. The Bedazzled. No, that’s the wrong word. I the Ferocious Lizard Hunter was looking for lizards on that day. I put my hand in the crack. Before I could say, Hi hi jackrabbit in a hi hi jo jo bo," a stab of pain pierced my flesh. I saw the monster, a gigantic two inch bee. Or maybe it was a wasp. Maybe it was a hornet. Aw the heck with it. As I was saying I saw the two inch whatever and I saw it on my hand. Its stinger deep into my soft flesh. I flung the two inch whatever into the deep grassy field. The pain was unimaginable, as though someone was holding a red hot hot burning volcano fierty hot poker on my poor beautiful and glorious thumb. And holding it there until George Bush was finally out of being president. I’m hit I cried or other words stung. That’s the second time I’ve been hit since I was here at the cabin by bumblebee honey wasp or hornet or whatever. I stumbled to the door, pain still flaring in my cute little thumb. Luckily my mother was there and I held it under the cold water for about a minute or a minute point eight seconds.Then I stumbled into the bed. I started to see black. But then the smell of fresh bacon, Virginia bacon to be exact, suddenly cured me. And cooked by the best cook in the world, my mom. No, universe. Since today was a hangout day without lots of action, I suppose you could call it action, because I got stung by the bumble bee or the honey bee or the wasp or whatever., I saw a hummingbird all by myself. Let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk what I did since I last blogged. I went to a lake, which I called the black black lagoon. It has this floaty thing in the middle of the lake with a diving board and a water slide. And you’ll get a kick out of this: There was a chain a real chain and all good things have their drawbacks and this drawback was unless you were actually seriously not fake really drowning. And also we went to the water hole in the river the Indians call Wawawhatoola. And there was this soak where Thomas Jefferson went. You know the old guy who used to be president. I loved it! It had rocks at the bottom. And as I said before, all great things have their drawbacks. The drawback here was you couldn’t swim, you can’t even go under. That’s all I have to say. Good-bye folks. Stand back now. No touching. Hey, that’s my mustache. Security!

P.S. Today I saw four deer at the same time. When our car drove by they ran like badly confused rabbits. Now I’m about to go to my own private island with officially flavored sand. So, long folks. Just for the fun of it, I’m going to call security!

DA DA DA DA DA DA DA BAT BOY

(This was written on July 24)

Okay, Okay I know I have yet another crazy title. But you’ll find out about the title in the middle of my blog. My mom and I went to the mountains in Virginia yesterday on Saturday. When we got there, couldn’t find a cabin. Can you believe it? Well, we did find a cabin but we didn’t know if it was ours. Then after a gazillion hours of what it seemed like, we finally settled in. Inside the cabin, there are deer heads. They’re not bloody, they’re nice and clean and mounted by the stairway. The place has ten beds. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine, but ten! Then, we went to the river to check it out. We saw minnows and snails. I picked up some smalls off a rock they were living on. Since they needed water, I kept them out for about 15 seconds and then I put them back in. My mom was chicken and we had to go back because there were guns shooting. But in this case she was not chicken because there are no chickens in this part of Virginia. She was a wild turkey because there are wild turkeys in Virginia. Are you following me? If not please write to me care of this blog and I will give myself 11 spankings.

The cows are right near us. They make a heck of a noise. But the cows mooing are no match for the dogs’ annoying bark!! Then since we were about to starve and there was nothing to eat, we went to find a restaurant or a store. But my mom was a wild turkey in the mountains because she’s afraid of heights. When finally she got so wild turkey we had to stop. We stopped at a lookout. At least that’s what mom called it. And I enjoyed the glorious beautiful magical radical awesome view of the mountains. Then we drove back and stopped at the general store. I have no clue why it’s called a general store because they don’t even sell guns or swords there. But they did sell extremely good candy. Speaking of which, I got some gum. And I’m going to get a piece. See you in about 11.8 seconds. So long, folks. Always brush your teeth.

Look who’s back? It’s the greatest, it’s the amazing ISAAC!! Then we got back to the cabin. (Oh yeah, when we were driving here we stopped at The Apple House, and it was scrumpdidiliumptious. We had barbecue and baked beans and cole slaw. And it’s a miracle I tell you the baked beans didn’t even make me fart.) When we got back the sky was lighting up. I thought it was the end of the world. But no. It was fireflies. Hip hip hooray! Then, we say bats! They almost our heads. My mom was a wild turkey once again. That’s the end of the blog. Come back and see me next week or sooner than thee. Now really, get out. No autographs right now. GET OUT! Security!

P.S. This is a list of animals I’ve seen and heard so far: three deer, hundreds thousands millions trillions of dogs barking, two toads that needed to go on a diet, they we so radical (my mom says they were cute; finally, a woman who likes toads), some cows that really needed to go on the south beach diet; some cute little sheepie and lambies that had big red spots as markings on them. I noticed some of them were naked without fur because they’d just been shaved by the evil razor. And of course the fireflies. And I notice something, their butts were really big, so they could light up more. And some oozie woozie slimy grimy sticky icky (not to me though) gross but awesome snails. And of course, the amazing, the great, the fantastical, the radical da da da da BATS that almost hit our heads! Okay, get out. Sorry, no autographs. Security! Help! They’re all over me! Ow that’s my eye. Ow my buttocks! SECURITY!