OH BROTHER, MOTHER'S DAY

Today was Mother's Day. I am sorry I have not written in Isaac's Mind in a long time. I have been busy with taxes and social work. Today I also had my soccer game. We have an extremely good record. Now we're 5 and 1. For Mother's Day, I got my creator a silk scarf from India. The rest of the day, my mother and I hung out and I watched a basketball game. Right at the end of my soccer game, it started pouring. I got the chills. Today I also went to the pet store to get my cats some cat food. Now with me, when you go to the pet store and you want to buy one thing, you come out with about 20. Today not only did we buy cat food, we also bought honey treat bells for my parakeets, a beak sharpener for my parakeets and a book on finches.

So now I will do my five thoughts for the day.

1.) My mind is a scary place.

2.) Chess is a game for people who are mature, checkers is a game for babies.

3.) The computer has a square-shaped brain inside it.

4.) The weekend is not two days, it's two seconds.

5.) Finches are called finches because they flinch.

Allright, now you've seen enough, get out, get out! Help! Security!

A CENTURY AGO ...

My great-grandmother was born! Incredible, isn't it? In 1906, Lena Goldman was born. She lived in Burlington, North Carolina, and ran a shoe store called Goldman's Shoes. It was a tiny town. So when Goldman's Shoes closed, it was big news in the paper. In 1930, Lena had her first and only son, who over the years came to be my grandfather, Erwin Goldman. He helped Lena run the shoestore, fetching shoes for the customers. Now, 76 years later, she's 100. She doesn't even wear glasses or walk with a cane. Whenever I come into her apartment, she always makes a big bustle about if I want something to eat. She always asks, "Do you want a cookie? Or some eggs?" Or any other thing like that.

She has this painting in her living room of her husband, Isodore Goldman, which is where my name, Isaac, comes from. (My parents didn't want to name me Izzie, because they thought it was just too unusual a name.) In her living room, she also has an old Panasonic TV. She says it's a new one. To her, it is, because she used to have one where you didn't even have buttons, you had to switch the channels. She also has in her living room what seems like 300 family pictures, from me to my cousin five times removed. It's true. I forget his name. In her fantastic living room, she also has this great big armchair she always sits in. It's striped, light green and white. Also, she has this magnificent silver bowl of candy, a little thing, pure silver, or so everyone says, and the top's incredibly hard to get on once you take it off. I think it's so if little kids sneak some candy, the parents will know.

This past Saturday was Lena's birthday party. And what a party it was. All the old people from her retirement home came to the party, which was in the retirement home's lobby. Every single person that was related to her in any way, and the people that knew her in any way, came. I made a speech in front of all those people, which was about, my estimate, 70, maybe more. My speech, if my memory is correct, went something like this:

Finally, a hundred years. Wow. A hundred birthdays. A hundred years ago, Lena Goldman was born. And she doesn't look 100. More like 60. Okay, maybe 75. But she sure doesn't look 100. She looks as though she could wrestle a grizzly bear. Deep inside, she's as tough as an elephant hide. Happy Birthday, Lena!

After my speech, I went to the chocolate fountain, which I forgot to mention. It was awesome. It was melted chocolate that you could dip things into. It was just like a water fountain. It kept recycling and recycling the chocolate that didn't get eaten. I filled a cup with it. The director of the party told my grandfather he had never seen a kid eat so much chocolate.

So, Happy Birthday, Great Mama, you hundred-year-old, lovable rascal!

Alright guys, thanks for the money. Now, get out of my website before I call security on you!

I NEED A VACATION

As my my mom walked in the door, a feeling of glee spread across my body. I felt like doing, even though I don't know how, one billion cartwheels. I zoomed out of the classroom, grabbed my stuff and I was ready to get to the train station and go to Connecticut. What seemed like 100 hours later, we finally arrived at my grandma's house. It was only me and my grandma. My mom and my aunt were out doing some stuff. I watched a basketball game with my grandma. Then my grandmother went to bed and so did I.

Cockadoodledoo. It was Christmas Eve. I hung out all day and went to my uncle's friend's party. I dressed up like a deranged Santa Claus. I wore a suit, fancy shoes and a Santa Claus hat and sunglasses. I stayed up extremely late that day. I stayed up 'til midnight but did not catch old St. Nick. In the morning, I woke up and I said, "Oh, another day in my life. What should I do today? Wait a second! It's not just anyday. It's Christmas!" I went over to the tree and started to count my loot. "Oh goody," I said. "It looks like I got lots of good stuff this year." Finally, when my cousin arrived from his dad's we opened presents. This is a list of the things that I got: A $50 gift certificate to Toys R Us from my uncle and aunt.
A pinball machine from Santa (or so that's what my mom says).
A DVD from my aunt, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
A book of birds that's more than a 1,000 pages long from my aunt.
From my grandma, a puzzle, which I exchanged for a wacky, goochey toy, which I named Gooche.
And also from my grandma, a game called Wordigo.
Then I got from my mom a DVD on birds (wow, birds are a hit this Christmas).
A book of film from my mother, which is pretty awesome.
Also from Santa a remote control car.
And from my dear mother I received a puzzle of North American that has exactly 530 pieces.
(It was my favorite one.)
I got a chessboard that is pretty fancy.
And from my dear uncle Bob I received the 2005 quarters in mint condition and a bunch of other coins in mint condition.
So that was what I got for Christmas.
The next day, with my certificate from Toys R Us, me and my cousin, who also received a $50 gift certificate to Toys R Us, we went to Toys R Us. I got a game called Bull's Eye Ball. Which turned out to be very fun actually. My cousin, who is five, spent his gift certificate on one gift, a Darth Vader helmet voice changer. When I got my Bull's Eye Ball game, I spent $20. So I still have $30 left. Whoopee!
The next day, when my cousin went back to his dad's, I went ice skating for my first time. I went to a rink. It was freezing in there! It must have been eighty below! I was pretty good for my first time. After that, I went to see my Aunt Dot who's in a nursing home. I walked up to her room with my grandmother and my dear mother. The ladies talked while I sat in a chair and read my Calvin and Hobbes book. Then, my aunt started to talk about some interesting things. I went over there and talked with her. I interviewed her about lots of stuff. My mom and grandmom found out lots of stuff they did not know. The thing that we were talking about was about an author named Truman Capote. My dear old Auntie Dot beat him in a writing contest when they were about fifteen years old. Whoa hoa! When he found out she won he called my aunt a dirty word. Then, we went home.
Then, with my Uncle Bob, who is a real character, we went to play pool. He beat me twice in a row. Beginner's luck. Then, we played a game of darts. He was surprised at how good I was at darts. I told him, "Hey, even if my hand isn't sharp, it was made for throwing darts, my dear uncle." Then, my mom and I went home and I went beddie-bye.

I woke up in the morning. Today was the day we were going home on the train. Choo choo. My mom was doing a long, long errand, I was staying with my Uncle Bob. We had a great time. We ate pizza by the box. We went to Home Depot and watched TV. My mom came and picked me up and we went to reception at the Maritime Center. The food was scrumdiddleumptious. When the reception was over, we went home on the train. Finally, twenty hours later, we arrived at our apartment. I checked on all my animals. My snake needed a shed, so I gave it to him. My birds were fine and so were my gatos.

The next day, me and my dad were going to North Carolina. North Carolina was great. We celebrate Hanukah. Then, three days later, I was home again. I am spending five days with my mom. The first day we just hung out. The second day, today, we are going to a Wizards game! Before the Wizards game, I blogged. Then, I was writing: Get out of my website! on my blog. I mean it!

FIRE VERSUS EDUCATION

Monday, a boring day at Oyster Elementary School. Our story starts with the young boy named Isaac who was in Class 4-B doing math, peacefully working on the warmup when "suddenly" some of his fellow classmates started questioning, "What's that smell?" Our hero Isaac starts sniffing. He smells the smell, sort of something like badly burned popcorn and burned toast mixed together. Then, the teacher came over, my second teacher, and asked, "What is that horrible smell?" Someone blurted out, "Sorry, that was me." Through the light of the window, our young, highly intelligent hero saw smoke. "Look, everybody, smoke!" our dashing hero shouted. The teachers looked back. They gasped in horror. "Everybody out! Make a line calmly now," one teacher said. All of us were extremely excited. "Wow," we all said. "A real live fire." We "quietly" made a line and went downstairs. Soon the fire alarm was going off. By the time were outside, all of us were really excited. Soon the firetruck came. That made us go double bonkers. Then another firetruck came. Soon the place was going triple bonkers. Then a hook and ladder came. Everyone was going so wild, with cheering and hooting, especially our hero Isaac, because just this morning he was wishing for an adventure. By the time the fourth firetruck came, everyone was going so crazy, the teacher had to come and calm us down. We saw a little smoke from the school. By the time a fifth firetruck, you would not believe how crazy the school was going. Then a police car came out. Then the chief's police car. Then two ambulances. Then finally another firetruck. Some kids were crying. Some kids were laughing. Some kids were hooting and cheering. So then, these four special police came. Our hero Isaac was bedwaffled. First, a fire, then all these firetrucks and ambulances and special police -- and we're going to miss school today, he thought. Sweet-o-rama. Four special police let us into a hotel that I recall being called the Marriott. They let us into a cramped little room, and we sang a song. Mary Had A Little Lamb. This is the best part yet. Our fantastic hero was already going crazy with happiness. Then they moved us to a giant ballroom and they catered us with all sorts of delights. From donuts to popcorn, and sandwiches and salami and pasta and all sorts of varieties of roast beef. It was heaven, told our young hero to the reporters. The parents were coming. Soon my mom came to pick me up. I was ready to vamanos, and I had just experienced the best school day of my life!! Allright, thank you, thank you, and cut! Allright now, people, get out, get out, I hope you enjoyed the show. Throw your trash out in the nearest trash cans. No autographs now! Ah, that's my tie! Security!

THE DAY A SNAKE SURVIVOR WAS BORN

One dark cold week of school, I was sick as a cat. I mean as a dog. Or in this case, a snake. I had a case of extremely bad cold. On Sunday, the weekend before I got sick, I got a snake. But then when we were home, my mom forgot the bedding. So we went back to the store, got the bedding, came home and got the cage ready. We were about to put the snake in. I opened the box and in there I couldn't believe what I saw. Nothing. That's what I saw. Just nothing. The snake was gone. I reckon I would have won The Most Upset Contest. My mom felt really sorry for me. She's a good dame. We went back to the store and she got me another snake. I was feeling okay after that, but I felt guilty because it was my doing, the snake's disappearance or maybe death. Bless the Lord. Then after a couple of days, the snake was fine, blah blah blah. Then we were driving to the doctor's office, which was like a 30-minute drive, when something falls on my lap. I thought it was just a little piece of junk or something, but then as I looked down I saw a thing slithering into a seatbelt buckle. And only one word popped into my mind. Snake!!! So my trusty mom pulled over the car. She got a stick. And a coffee cup at 7-11. And we began looking for the snake in the car. Then I shouted, "There she slithers!" The snake was on the floor sticking its tongue out at me, literally. Now remember this. This was a pretty shocking experience when one is sick and weak and does not have an appetite. I was too scared, I don't know why, to pick it up. I usually love to hold snakes. For some reason, I didn't. Without touching it, I finally managed to capture it in the coffee cup. You know those little slots (Gee, I wonder which bozo invented those things) that you drink from he escaped from it. Then I finally got my courage to pick him up. The end was history. We captured him back in the car. Then we got some paper and tape to cover the hole. And I went to the doctor's. And the rest was history!! Thank you, thank you. Allright, seriously. Stay behind the security fences, folks. I know, I like you guys, too. I'm serious. Security!

I HAVE THOUGHTS, TOO, YOU KNOW

1. When you lick the envelopes, they should each be flavored a certain taste, exquisite mostly, nothing fancy, like champagne, beer, wine, chocolate, rasberry, mint.

2. Tigers should be allowed as pets.

3. The weekend should be at least six days.

4. The Empire State Building is not actually that tall. In fact, it's only the height of 17 whales, and some buildings make it look like a pip squeak.

5. If I were the animal president, I would have animals ride on viscious elephants and break down houses and plant new trees.

6. There should be this magical DVD, you just say the DVD that you want and poof! The DVD will become the DVD that you want.

7. Boy, they sure are inventing a lot of technology, so much in fact that before you know it, they'll be flying cars in the streets.

8. I didn't really believe in superstitions until I was two and I had seven whole years of bad luck but now it's ended because I'm nine.

9. How do we even know that dinosaurs exist. They could be these kids playing pranks, making fossils and digging them up in Europe and places. I mean, come on scientists, get with it!

10. You know the story of Little Red Riding Hood? Well, I have something to say to the author: Why would be she roaming around in a place all by herself with no weapons where wild wolves were about?

Allright, now get out of my website!! Before I really start to get angry. Not leaving, eh? Now I'll just ignore you folks. Darn, this isn't working! Allright, now to Plan C. Security!!

I'M I'M SORRY

Yet again another weird title. Yet again. This title is apologizing for me not writing in the blog for -- sorry, does anyone have a hankerchief in the audience -- a few weeks. But I shall never forget the blog. And the great power it has within!! I Isaac Goldman shall now write in this blog with my own words. Now on with the story. Okay. Action!

When I was in Virginia, a lot of stuff happened. Seeing wild turkeys. My Mom being a wild turkey. And she seeing a bald eagle. The trip was great, I say. After that, no resting. Uh oh. More vacation! I went to Mexico with my dad. It was great. We had a really bad I mean fun I mean sometimes bad time. I got chased by a dog two not one not zero not a gazillion negative but two times. We saw some nature but not that much. The food was terrible. First we stayed in this little so-so hotel. It had 80 degree below zero pool. That was when the sun was beating down with its cool dark I mean bright hot rays. I got lost there. And the police guy came and found me. Which was awesome. I was on the police radio. In Taxco. I like to call it Toxic. After that, we went to el Pie de la Cuesta near Acapulco out in the county. The hotel was pretty nice but our room it was a mousehole. I mean I even had cheese. So, but Pablo couldn't hear and it was really funny. That was the guy who helped us get our stuff and everything. There were two parakeets. One I called Chirp de Lurp de Burp. The second I named Big Daddy. I called it Big Daddy because it was ginormous. The third I simply called Sea Terror. The fourth I called Leader of the Fantastic Four Birdies. The hotel had a pool. I went horseback riding. Altogether I gave it a seven, which is pretty good. Virginia was a little better, not a lot.

This week I went to soccer camp. All together when my friend was there for three days, in those three days I scored 51 goals. Also in Mexico, on the beach, the sand was hot. There was a big place with a big parrot with a small cage. I called the parrot Polly and fed it sunflower seeds. Polly;s a big greedy parrot. He needs to go on a diet. And now back to Washington. Almost everyday except when it rains, which was only two days in all the weeks I've been there. The sad thing is it rained twice in the same week. The second time I took off my shirt like a maniac and ran around like a maniac and slid in puddles like a maniac and got dirty like a maniac. And my friend stared at me like a maniac. But finally it's sad but true we had to go into the school into the dungeon which was really the basement but I called it the dungeon and watched movies. Which was boring. The first movie we watched was Bruce Almighty. The second movie was Rush Hour Second. Then we finally went outside again and played. And the ice cream truck didn't came. The good news is I went out to dinner with my friend at The Diner. And I got a new fish. Which I called Daddy Long Tails. Allright now, get out of my website. Security!